Dads In The Delivery Room – What NOT To Do

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Dads in the delivery room can be such a wonderful experience for everyone– if it's done right. If your wife is in labor and you know that you are going to be the one by her side, this post is for you. You've come to the right place if you're wondering what your role is, what is expected of you, and most of all, what you SHOULDN'T do.

Click here to scroll to the bottom of this post to see the quick-look podcast show notes for this episode.

This is such an important topic that isn't talked about nearly enough. I can't tell you how many times that I'm in a delivery that is being completely tainted by the bad vibe in the room created by my mommy's distracted or disrespectful partner. It drives me NUTS when I have a Dad in the delivery room that doesn't do anything but sit in his chair and act like he'd rather be somewhere else.

I decided that maybe it's just not talked about enough and therefore some men are just clueless. I'm going to try to fix that. This post is the counterpart to The Dad's Guide To Labor and Delivery that I wrote that goes over exactly what Dad SHOULD be doing in labor. That post is full of tips for dads to let them know what they can be doing during labor.

The post that you're currently reading, on the other hand, is all about what he should NEVER do.

So, call over your hubby and read this post together so that you can be on the same page about what you can expect of each other during labor.

Let's Get Started, Dads

To just put it bluntly some men are just clueless but we can give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s not their fault for the sake of fairness. But today we are going to try to fix that. Because when a woman goes into labor, it should not be expected that she does it alone.

I always like to say Childbirth is not a spectator sport.

Mom isn’t there to be watched or gawked at as she does this fancy display of entertainment that Dad, and grandma, and sister, and your aunt’s cousin’s best friend get to sit and watch just so they can say “I got to be at the birth!”. The same goes for Dad. Hey dude, if you don’t want to be there or you don’t want to participate, let me tell you, people like to say that there is no trophy for going unmedicated during birth, well hey, there is certainly no participation trophy for Dads that simply show up. Because I have absolutely witnessed the partners in labor and delivery that would have quite literally been better off somewhere else. Like, literally their presence and the things they chose to do or say during labor made mom more anxious, more annoyed, more angry, or more frustrated than they would have been if they had just not shown up at all. So Dads, you do not get to sit on the sidelines and watch as she does all the work for your reward in the end. Mkay?

Instead, if you are a dad in the delivery room, you should be actively finding ways to treat your woman like the life-giving Queen she is. She [more than] deserves it after her body grew twice it's size and her heartburn nearly drove her to madness.

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What Not To Do

As a labor and delivery nurse, I’ve seen it all and i”ve got to say, I labor with couples every week at work and there are more good ones than not-so-good-ones. I can make that clear right off the bat. Most partners are truly wonderful assets in the birth space and they are attentive and wonderful. I'm lucky enough to get see these wonderful men that support and encourage their wives, girlfriends, partners, and baby mamas. But occasionally, I also get to witness dads in the delivery room being less than helpful when the mother of their child is doing the most important work she's ever done. And those are the ones that tend to stick on the brain, you know? The ones that I can tell stories about all day long because I just could not believe he did or said that. And THOSE are the people who we are talking about today. You ready for it? 

Great, so in no particular order, these are the things that I want you to try to avoid when you’re in the delivery room. 

Freak Out

If your wife's water breaks or she starts having contractions at home, stay calm. You can help her by getting ready to go, counting & timing her contractions, and assisting her in getting rest when she can. We talk all of the time about Mom’s fears in labor and how she has to overcome them to have a calm, confident birth. But if you’re in the background freaking out, she is going to have a hell of a time trying to focus inwardly, stay calm, breathe through the sensations she’s feeling, and get int he zone. Instead, Be her calming center and don't stress her out.

One way you can try to avoid freaking out is by reading the room. If mom is cool, calm, and collected, mirror that. If the nurses aren’t worried, then don’t be worried. Stop asking if everything is normal constantly because you’re constant questioning of what’s normal and is this normal and is that normal is making mama feel like something is wrong. Yes, it’s normal that she’s still leaking. Yes. it’s normal that she’s making those noises. Yes, she’s ok. Those are just shivers. It won’t hurt her. 

Now, here’s the thing. I get it. This whole experience is new and you have NO IDEA what to expect or what’s going on. So of course you have questions! That’s totally understandable! But here’s a hint. Take a birth course. You have nine months. There are free birth classes, there are free podcasts, there are free blog posts, there are comprehensive online courses, the information is out there. Don’t wait until birth to realize that you don’t know what the heck is going on. Figure that out before labor starts so that you can prepare. 

Sleep

A labor nurse's biggest pet peeve in the labor and delivery room is seeing a dad sleeping on the pull-out daddy bed, snoring away while his wife is in agony. It kills me. Do you think you've done enough by just showing up? Not even close. Wake up, stand by the bed, hold her hand, hold her leg, and support your wife.

I understand that labor can be long. Sometimes more than 24 hours. I also understand that you're wondering when you'll be able to sleep. The answer is simple. If your wife is sleeping (because she has en epidural or is in very early labor) then that is an appropriate time to sleep. You guys are in this together.

Like I said, is mom chillin with an epidural and there is nothing to do but wait? Ok, sleep. But then when the nurse comes in and it’s obvious that SOMETHING IS HAPPENING that might need your attention, dude, wake up. And if mom is pressing her call light every five minutes for support, hello! She needs support! I wish I could be her doula and stay in the room for her entire labor. But as a labor and delivery nurse, I simply can’t do that. I can help her in many ways and give her tips and advice and I can tell her about positions to try and I can grab her hot packs or pain medication or whatever she asks for. But YOU are her support person. If mama is pressing her call light saying “I can’t do this” and you’re asleep, pat yourself on the back for being THE WORST because the reason she can’t do this is because she’s alone with no one to cheer her on, no one to reassure her, no one to make her feel safe, no one to put hands on her to actively help take some of the pain away. Instead, you’re sleeping as if you could not be less interested if you tried. 

Ok, I hear you, you worked all day and you drove for two hours and you hiked 3 miles up hill in the snow to get here. I get it. You’re exhausted. But mama is too. She’s been carrying the physical and emotional weight of this baby for nine months and this labor for however many hours its been and it hasn’t been comfortable or easy for her. We all make sacrifices and moms are no strangers to sacrificing sleep. So you can do it. I believe in you. 

Like I mentioned, mom sleeps, you sleep, mom’s chilling, you’re chillin. Mom’s working hard through labor and birth YOU”RE RIGHT THERE WITH HER. 

You wouldn’t believe the amount of times that Dad is literally snoring a few feet away from the labor bed and mom calls to ask me to grab something across the room for her and she’s eye-rolling so hard the Dad in the next room can feel the tension and she says “I tried waking him but he won’t wake up”. This is so sad. And don’t worry, I always ask her “do you want me to wake him up?” and if they say yes, I’ll wake him but they almost always just find themselves asleep all over again in an hour or so anyway. I’ve even had moms throw things at their partners to try to wake them up because calling their name wasn’t enough to break their peaceful slumber while she pushes out their baby. 

I know a lot of moms say “well, I’m going to be exhausted after birth, I’d like for him to be rested so he can take the baby so I can rest”. That sounds nice I guess. But I never see that actually happen. Mom still takes over feeding and babies want to feed frequently, every 2 hours or so so it’s not like mom is getting a whole night’s rest just because they let their partner nap during labor. 

Anyway, Once the baby comes, you both can discuss what the sleep situation will be like. Many couples take turns with the baby but that's going to depend on your personal situation. Either way, you’re both going to be tired for a while. 

Complain

There is nothing – let me repeat – NOTHING-that you could possibly be experiencing right now that is more uncomfortable than what your wife is going through. If you try to complain that you're hungry, remember that your wife hasn't been able to eat either and probably won't be able to eat until after the baby comes. If you're tired, remember that she hasn't slept well for weeks or even months. Even if your arms and back are sore from standing with her all day and holding her leg up all night, remember that she is HAVING YOUR CHILD.  She's here too. She's going through this too. And quite frankly, she's going through a lot more than you are.

Complaining isn't going to get you anywhere and it will probably just frustrate and annoy mama. So When you need to meet your own needs while you're there do it. When you’re hungry, grab a bite to eat. If you’re uncomfortable, prop yourself up with pillows. If your arms are sore from doing counter pressure, offer another method of pain relief that she might want to try and switch up. If you’re tired, drink some caffeine that you packed in your bag. If you’re thirsty, drink some water that you packed in your bag. If your cold, put a jacket on. Do what you need to do in order to make yourself comfortable without complaining about it to the woman giving birth in the room with you. 

Common complaints are that it’s cold while mom is usually sweating, ripping her clothes off, and preferring to be stark naked because her body is doing so much work, making her hot. So no, we can’t change the temperature in the room to make you warmer. Just layer up dude. And yeah, I know, your bench is hard as rock. I’m sorry, I wish it was better for you. But keep it to yourself while your wife is exiting a baby from her body, yea?

Eat Smelly Food

This is so specific, I know, but it's HUGE. This is most common during inductions. Mom is on a clear liquid diet and is likely feeling like she’s starving and will kill for a good meal. Inductions can be long and you’ve gotta eat, right? But please for the love of all that is labor and delivery, If you must eat fast food or other food with strong odor, do it in your car or before you come up to the room. She’s probably going to be tortured by it because she can't have any or because the smells are making her nauseated. 

So to keep your energy up, please do nourish yourself. Eat snacks when you have a moment, grab some food when you need a meal during a long induction, but if you can avoid it, try not to have a feast in the room until she’s also able to eat too. 

Sometimes mom has a group of visitors during her labor or induction and when they get hungry one person goes out and orders fast food (and you know how potent fast food smells can be) and they get something for everyone in the room and everyone but mom literally just feasts on fast food right in front of her like it’s a party she wasn’t invited to. It’s so annoying. I’ve even had families order pizza. Like COME ON. 

Ask For Gloves

Ok, fine, I’ll give you a break. This is just something most of us labor and delivery nurses think is weird but I guess just talk to your partner about it first? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not weird for everyone but most Labor nurses agree that this is SO strange when it happens. It honestly baffles me every time. 

Like, How did you get this woman pregnant? You can’t touch her without gloves? I’m so confused. I mean, there are men out there asking for gloves, a mask, shoe covers, and a gown to wear. Maybe we can blame the movies. I don’t know. 

But First of all, you're likely not going to touch anything that you haven't touched before. As women labor, they don’t just have goop all over them. They are clean. Just don’t touch their butt, right? I mean, that seems easy enough. Even as a nurse, it’s uncommon that I really have dirty gloves. Obviously I wear gloves because I’m a nurse and she’s a stranger but even so, my gloves usually come off clean unless I’m actually checking your cervix or doing something invasive. When Dad is just helping out like helping mom get into a new position, holding her leg, or I’m going to take it  a step further here, even help change the pad that’s on the bed, you’ll probably not get messy. I’m just saying. But also, if you do get some amniotic fluid on your hands…just wash them.

I imagine that asking to wear things like gloves or a gown over your clothes makes your partner feel dirty or gross. In my opinion, show her that you aren't disgusted by her. Honestly, in real life my favorite Dads in labor are always the Dad that gets in there to help me turn his wife, change her pad, wipe the throw-up off her chin, and doesn't think twice about it. These are real men. And if you ask to wear gloves to hold the baby that just came out of her body? Don’t even get me started…Because that's just weird..

Compare Her To Other People

I will never forget the time that I was laboring with a woman whose partner was a paramedic. He claimed to had done…and I quote “twelve” {eye roll} deliveries on the field and is totally experienced with childbirth {double eye roll}. Well, all that is great but when he started telling her that she was taking so much longer than any other woman he'd seen, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

DO NOT ever make your wife feel like her pain threshold is too low, her labor is too long, or any other possible comparison to other women you can think of.

I’ll admit that this mostly happens with Dads who are in the medical field of some sort. Like I said they are paramedics or firefighters or something and they think they are professionals when it comes to birth. Like dude, reality check, if you’re called to a birth, it’s already basically over. 

But we also get the ones who compare them to their previous wives, their baby mamas, or whatever. I’ve even seen dads compare labor to something that they’ve gone through before. Like one time I had a dad that KEPT mentioning a kidney stone he once had. Like, ok, I know that the pain is sometimes compared to labor. So maybe you’ll say it once and I’ll let it slide. But this guy just kep mentioning it. Like, OH YEAH WHEN I HAD MY KIDNEY STONE… oh gosh, stop.  It’s just all bad. No comparing. Whatever she’s doing is perfect ok? And you’ll never utter a word otherwise. Got it? 

Tell Her To “Stop

Yikes! If you want to get your head bit off, tell your wife to “stop” during labor. Stop yelling, stop being so loud, stop breathing like that, stop crying… none of it is a good idea. Every woman labors differently. Some women are loud, some women are silent. If you are annoyed with the way she has chosen to express her discomfort or pain, it's better for you to never mention it for the rest of your life.

You will never go through what she's going through. You will never understand the pain that she's feeling. A lot of the time your wife cannot control her reaction to labor. But you can control the way you respond to her.

If you're not sure how you can support your wife in labor or what you can say to make her labor easier, happier, and more empowered, I highly recommend that you create affirmation cards for her before labor ever starts. That way, if you believe that her screaming is an ineffective way to manage her pain, and hey, I agree, you can tel her in ways that don’t involve “stop”. Like try this, breathe with me, ready? Let’s take a breath and then you show her how to slow down her breathing. Or reciting her mantras, offering her options like “hey, I don’t think this is working for you, let’s try this over here instead”. Or even validating her feelings. “I can see that this is so hard. BUt you’rer doing such a great job. You’e incredible. I can’t believe how amazing you are. I can’t imagine how hard this is but you’re doing it!

You see, saying stop will only upset her or maybe snap her out of it for a moment. But what you want to actually do, is stop what’s happening that’s making her act a certain way. Change the environment, change her pain coping strategy, help her change positions, model what you want her to be doing instead, but don’t tell her to stop. 

Be Distracted

If you're staring at the TV every time your nurse comes in and you don't flinch when something new is happening with your wife, you're dropping the ball. This is not a vacation. It's Super bowl Sunday? Still not an excuse. When your wife's healthcare team is talking to her, they are also talking to you.

Pay attention to what is going on with the person having your baby. You need to know what's going on. If you are aware of the changes that are happening you will also be more aware how to help her when she needs you, how to advocate for her if things start not going as expected, or how to remind her of what just happened or what was said when she had a hard time focusing while she was trying to get through her surges. Although it might seem like the plan has nothing to do with you and you’re just along for the ride, that’s simply not true. You are an invaluable asset to your partner and to her birth. You can make all the difference in her experience and even to her overall outcome. You can help her make good choices. You can help you achieve her goals, and you can help her remember her birth when it all seems so foggy in the postpartum period. 

Put down you phone, turn off the TV, and look up when something is going on that interests your partner because it also interests you.

Ask If We're Almost Done

I don't care if your wife has been pushing for 4 hours or has been 2cm for 8 hours. It's still not appropriate to ask “Are we almost done?”, “Is the baby almost here yet?”, “She's still not complete?” or “Wow, should it really be taking this long?”.

This is so offensive to a laboring mother. She is doing everything that she can do to get this baby out and sometimes it takes a while. Is that really so surprising? An entire human has to come out of her. 

If you absolutely MUST mention the time, mention the good things. “I know this is taking a long time and this must be so hard for you babe, but you're doing amazing” is a much better option.

Just keep in mind that it feels ten times longer to your wife than it does for you. She's the one doing all of the work. Make her feel adequate and capable instead of like she's not doing something fast or well enough.

You can even do things to help speed up the process. If you took a birth course with her, suggest some of the things that you learned to help keep labor moving. You can offer to go on a walk around the unit with her, you can offer to help her get into the shower or be with her as she rocks on a birth ball, or you can distract her with things that she might like to do to pass the time like getting out of bed to dance with you (and yes, dancing is a pain coping mechanism in labor for many women). There are lots of ways that you can encourage labor and encourage mama when it feels like time is passing so slowly. 

And I don’t blame you for wondering why it’s taking so long. Sometimes we go into labor and delivery expecting to be a bing bang boom situation where you have your baby in your arms in no time. But that’s not always the case. Taking a long time can be normal and expected. But it can also be really frustrating for mama. So try not to make her feel like she’s making you wait and that she’s not doing it fast enough. She has enough pressure on her already. 

Interpret her contractions or her pain for her. 

This one, I don’t think is necessarily bad, I just kind of chuckle and maybe give an internal eye roll if dad is really on one. But before you get to labor and delivery, all you have to interpret mom’s contractions is her reactions to them. And sometimes Dads decide that they can interpret mom’s reaction to the pain and determine how strong a contraction was. 

I’ll warn you now, if mom isn’t freaking out during her contractions, maybe she’s just rocking it. No need to say “well they don’t seem that bad” or “that one wasn’t bad at all!”. Maybe they are actually really challenging her but she’s doing a freaking amazing job coping, right? 

Well, then you get to labor and delivery and put monitors on her belly and suddenly you can SEE the contractions on the monitor and you see that some are really big and touch the top of the monitor screen and others are just little baby hills. So you say something like “oh, that one waas just a little one” or “oooooooh there’s a big one!”. 

Oh gosh. Ok, two things. If the monitor is on the outside of the belly, then it’s not tracing intensity. The small little mole hills can be super intense labor contractions and the big ones that look like gnarly mountains can be braxton hicks. Like, it really doesn’t mean anything at all. External monitors do not detect intensity. So those “small ones” you’re talking about…might not feel so small. 

And then secondly, if you’re constantly narrating, you’re giving the vibe that she should be anticipating the next contraction, bracing for it, and possibly even fighting it. That’s not what we want to do. We want to allow the contractions to come, let them wash over and pass in their own time while being really intentional and internal with mindful relaxation, affirmations, relaxing music, not a voice say “here comes another one! This one is looking massive!”. So yeah, that’s probably something we can work on. 

Bonus Tip Because I love Y'all

So there you have it, some things that you'll find yourself almost doing. But then you'll remember that the mother of your child needs you to be there for her in a more positive way.

You know what you could get some bonus points for? Pay attention when she drags you to a prenatal class! Just kidding, she probably didn't have to drag you. I know that some men are just as interested and invested in the labor process as their woman counterpart. But just showing up isn't good enough. Pay attention and show her that you care.

If you haven't been able to get to a prenatal class yet during her pregnancy, now is the time to sign up to this prenatal course!

In all honestly, I know you'll do great. Just be the best partner that you can be. Show her that you’re ready to take care of her and make sacrifices for her because you acknowledge the sacrifices shes made or is making to have this baby. She deserves your full attention, love and respect. 

And you are the perfect person to give that to her. Having a good support person is absolute GOLD in labor. So if you can be that for her, you are a keeper and I appreciate you for that. 

I know I make fun and act silly when talking about some of the crazy things that dads in the delivery room do sometimes but don’t worry. As long as you and your partner talk about what you need or expect from one another during labor before it begins, you’ll both be just fine. I know your guy is one of the good ones and you have nothing to worry about. 

BUT with that being said, everyone needs a little help sometimes so don’t forget to get into a birth course. The Empowered Birth Academy will help AND it comes with an entire mini course completely focused on the partner right now. So don’t miss that bonus. Definitely enroll and take the class together. I guarantee you will not regret it. 

Get $50 off PLUS the Support Person Mini Course using the code THELABORROOM at checkout.

I know you'll do great

Just be the best you that you can be. Be the man that your wife fell in love with– the man she wants to be the father of her baby. Keep in mind the sacrifices that she's had to make for you and this baby. She deserves your full attention, love and respect. Congratulations, Dad! If you read this post, you're already winning.

Let me know in the comments what you ladies wish your baby's dads in the delivery room knew before labor?

What To Read Next:

• Dad’s Guide To Labor and Delivery
• Qualities of A Good Father Before The Baby is Even Born
• The Ultimate Guide To Packing Your Hospital Bag: What To Bring When You're Having A Baby 
• What Every Mom Needs To Know About Packing Their Hospital Bag: What NOT To Bring
• 17 Natural Ways To Induce Labor Yourself
• 16 Indispensable Pregnancy and Labor Tips From A Labor & Delivery Nurse
• 8 Things your Labor an Delivery Nurse Wishes You Knew
• The Good, Bad, and the Ugly: What You Need To Know About Postpartum Recovery
• 13 Of The Absolute Best Pregnancy Tips For First Time Moms