Dads In The Delivery Room – What NOT To Do
Dads in the delivery room can be such a wonderful experience for everyone– if it's done right. If your wife is in labor and you know that you are going to be the one by her side, this post is for you. You've come to the right place if you're wondering what your role is, what is expected of you, and most of all, what you SHOULDN'T do.
You guys, this is such an important topic that isn't talked about nearly enough. I can't tell you how many times that I'm in a delivery that is being completely tainted by the bad vibe in the room created by my mommy's distracted or disrespectful partner. It drives me NUTS when I have a Dad in the delivery room that doesn't do anything but sit in his chair and act like he'd rather be somewhere else.
I decided that maybe it's just not talked about enough and therefore some men are just clueless. I'm going to try to fix that. This post is the counterpart to The Dad's Guide To Labor and Delivery that I wrote that goes over exactly what Dad SHOULD be doing in labor. That post is full of tips for dads to let them know what they can be doing during labor.
The post that you're currently reading, on the other hand, is all about what he should NEVER do.
So, call over your hubby and read this post together so that you can be on the same page about what you can expect of each other during labor.
Let's Get Started, Dads
When a woman goes into labor, it should not be expected that she goes it alone. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Dads in the delivery room do not get to sit on the sidelines and watch as she does all the work for your reward in the end.
Instead, if you are a dad in the delivery room, you should be actively finding ways to treat your woman like the life-giving Queen she is. She [more than] deserves it after her body grew twice it's size and her heartburn nearly drove her to madness.
Please note: The views on this website are personal opinions only and do not represent the opinions or policies of any provider or institution that I am affiliated with. I am not giving medical advice. Information on this website is not intended to diagnose, or treat any form of any disease. This article is for informational and entertainment purposes only. I am only telling you what my experiences are. Please refer to my Disclaimer Page for more information
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What Not To Do
So, as you might already know, I am a labor and delivery nurse. I labor with couples every day at work. I'm lucky enough to get see the wonderful men that support and encourage their wives, girlfriends, partners, and baby mamas. I also get to witness dads in the delivery room being less than helpful when the mother of their child is doing the most important work she's ever done.
Since you are reading this post, I know that you want to be the best supporter that you an possibly be. That's what I want for you too. So, these are the things you should be avoiding when your girl is in labor.
Freak Out
If your wife's water breaks or she starts having contractions at home, stay calm and collected. Freaking out isn't helpful. Help her get ready to go, count & time her contractions, and assist her in getting rest when she can. Be her calming center and don't stress her out.
Sleep
A labor nurse's biggest pet peeve in the labor and delivery room is seeing a dad sleeping on the pull-out daddy bed, snoring away while his wife is in agony. It kills me. Do you think you've done enough by just showing up? Not even close. Wake up, stand by the bed, hold her hand, hold her leg, and support your wife.
I understand that labor can be long. Sometimes more than 24 hours. I also understand that you're wondering when you'll be able to sleep. The answer is simple. If your wife is sleeping (because she has en epidural or is in very early labor) then you can sleep. You guys are in this together.
Once the baby comes, you both can discuss what the sleep situation will be like. Many couples take turns with the baby but that's going to depend on your personal situation.
Complain
There is nothing – let me repeat – NOTHING-that you could possibly be experiencing right now that is worse than what your wife is going through. If you try to complain that you're hungry, remember that your wife hasn't been able to eat either and won't be able to eat until after the baby comes. If you're tired, remember that she hasn't slept well for weeks or even months. Even if your arms and back are sore from standing with her all day and holding her leg up all night, remember that she is HAVING YOUR CHILD. She's here too. She's going through this too. And quite frankly, she's going through a lot more than you are.
Complaining isn't going to get you anywhere. When you need to meet your own needs while you're there, grab a bite to eat, prop yourself up with pillows, do what you need to do in order to make yourself comfortable without complaining about it to the woman birthing your baby.
Eat Smelly Food
This is so specific, I know, but it's HUGE. Your poor wife feels like she's starving and would kill for some good food right now. If you bring in fast food or other food with strong odor, she's going to be tortured by it because she can't have any. Eat your snacks to keep your energy up, but if you can avoid it, don't eat a full meal in the room until she is also able to eat.
Ask For Gloves
This baffles me every time. How did you get this woman pregnant? Please don't ask for gloves, a mask, shoe covers, or a gown to wear. First of all, you're likely not to touch anything that you haven't touched before. Second, if you do get some amniotic fluid on your hands…wash them.
Asking to wear things like gloves or a gown over your clothes makes your partner feel dirty or gross. Show her that you aren't disgusted by her. My favorite experience with Dads in labor is always with the Dad that gets in there to help me turn his wife, change her pad, wipe the throw-up off her chin, and doesn't think twice about it. These are real men. What do you really need gloves for anyway? And will you be asking to wear gloves to hold the baby that just came out of her body? Because that's just weird…
- Related Read: Stop Worrying, We've Got This: 6 Things Your Labor and Delivery Nurse Wishes You'd Let Go Of
Compare Her To Other People
I will never forget the time that I was laboring with a woman whose partner was a paramedic. He claimed to had done “twelve” {eye roll} deliveries on the field and is totally experienced with childbirth {double eye roll}. Well, all that is great but when he started telling her that she was taking so much longer than any other woman he'd seen, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Don't ever make your wife feel like her pain threshold is too low, her labor is too long, or any other possible comparison to other women you can think of.
Tell Her To “Stop”
Yikes! If you want to get your head bit off, tell your wife to “stop” during labor. Stop yelling, stop being so loud, stop breathing like that, stop crying… none of it is a good idea. Every woman labors differently. Some women are loud, some women are silent. If you are annoyed with the way she has chosen to express her discomfort or pain, it's better for you to never mention it for the rest of your life.
You will never go through what she's going through. You will never understand the pain that she's feeling. A lot of the time your wife cannot control her reaction to labor. But you can control the way you respond to her.
If you're not sure how you can support your wife in labor or what you can say to make her labor easier, happier, and more empowered, I highly recommend that you create affirmation cards for her before labor ever starts.
Be Distracted
If you're staring at the TV every time your nurse comes in and you don't flinch when something new is happening with your wife, you're dropping the ball. This is not a vacation. It's Super bowl Sunday? Still not an excuse. When your wife's healthcare team is talking to her, they are also talking to you. Pay attention to what is going on with the person having your baby. You need to know what's going on. If you are aware of the changes that are happening you will also be more aware how to help her when she needs you.
Ask If We're Almost Done
I don't care if your wife has been pushing for 4 hours or has been 2cm for 8 hours. It's still not appropriate to ask “Are we almost done?”, “Is the baby almost here yet?”, “She's still not complete?” or “Wow, should it really be taking this long?”.
This is so offensive to a laboring mother. She is doing everything that she can do to get this baby out and sometimes it takes a while. Is that really so surprising? She is going to exit a baby from her body!
If you absolutely MUST mention the time, mention the good things. “I know this is taking a long time and this must be so hard for you babe, but you're doing amazing” is a much better option.
Just keep in mind that it feels ten times longer to your wife than it does for you. She's the one doing all of the work. Make her feel adequate and capable instead of like she's not doing something fast or well enough.
- Related Read: 8 Things Your Labor And Delivery Nurse Wants You To Know
Bonus Tips Because I love Y'all
Alright, here are some extra stuff that you'll find yourself almost doing. But then you'll remember that the mother of your child needs you to be there for her in a more positive way.
- Tell her the contractions don't seem so bad
- Tell her what her pain level is
- Watch the monitor and tell her “here comes another one!” or “oooh, that was a big one” or even worse “that one wasn't so bad”
- Talk about “that one time” that you were in a lot of pain and try to compare it to labor
- Tell her that labor has slowed down because of an epidural
- Tell her that since she has an epidural she's not doing anything
You know what you could get some bonus points for? Pay attention when she drags you to a prenatal class! Just kidding, she probably didn't have to drag you. I know that some men are just as interested and invested in the labor process as their woman counterpart. But just showing up isn't good enough. Pay attention and show her that you care.
If you haven't been able to get to a prenatal class yet during her pregnancy, now is the time to sign up to this prenatal course!
I know you'll do great
Just be the best you that you can be. Be the man that your wife fell in love with– the man she wants to be the father of her baby. Keep in mind the sacrifices that she's had to make for you and this baby. She deserves your full attention, love and respect. Congratulations, Dad! If you read this post, you're already winning.
Let me know in the comments what you ladies wish your baby's dads in the delivery room knew before labor?
What To Read Next:
- Dad’s Guide To Labor and Delivery
- Qualities of A Good Father Before The Baby is Even Born
- The Ultimate Guide To Packing Your Hospital Bag: What To Bring When You're Having A Baby
- What Every Mom Needs To Know About Packing Their Hospital Bag: What NOT To Bring
- 17 Natural Ways To Induce Labor Yourself
- 16 Indispensable Pregnancy and Labor Tips From A Labor & Delivery Nurse
- 8 Things your Labor an Delivery Nurse Wishes You Knew
- The Good, Bad, and the Ugly: What You Need To Know About Postpartum Recovery
- 13 Of The Absolute Best Pregnancy Tips For First Time Moms
This was a pretty long list but so true! Dads actually do those things! My hubs went for a good ole nap after I got my epidural! Ugh… He was much better with the second one but we still had sports on the TV while I was in labor LOL
What’s funny is it could have been longer! haha I keep saying I need to write a book about what men do or say in the delivery room. It’s going to be a good one for sure. Hey, at least your husband improved with your second baby! Honestly, if he had sports on in the room, it’s totally fine if you’re ok with it!
And do not ask for an extra stitch!!!
Right!? 100%
Great tips for what not to do! Thankfully my husband wasn’t too bad our first go round with our daughter 🙂 He was a pro by the time we had our son.
Oh good! I absolutely love when I see a dad involved and ready to be the best coach he can be right from the start. It warms my heart!
Do pick up your camera or phone and take photos! Do rush over to count your baby’s fingers and toes and tell your wife how perfect your little one is.
Haha, yes, those are good tips!
I’m so lucky I have a husband smart enough to not do these things, but boy would I be single if he fell asleep… this list made me giggle. Good job!
Yes! The men who pay attention and help their wives deserve praise! You wouldn’t believe how often jusynthe opposite happens.
Most of this doesn’t bother me personally, but I do want him to be awake and expect to lose sleep watching the baby when I need the sleep. Dads have a lifetime of parenting to do right alongside us, so this one day never felt like the end all be all.
Totally agree with you that they have a lifetime of parenting ahead of them! During labor it’s less about parenting and more about being a supportive partner. We all have very different requirements of our partners in these situations.
I’m feeling like a pretty blessed wife right now. My husband was in it to win it with both deliveries. He handled it like a champ!
Heck yes, girlfriend! That makes such a difference! Go you and your hubby!
hi! just stopped by from bloggers supporting bloggers. nice blog you have! bet its a helpful list for the guys.
Joy at The Joyous Living
Thanks Joy
My husband and my mom were the dream team! I appreciated when he told me a contraction was approaching. Other than that your list was spot on.
I love when I hear about dream teams! It makes such a difference doesn’t it?
Yes to all of this! My child’s father was not around during the pregnancy, so I made all the decisions as to what my care and birth plan would be. I chose to use a midwife and have a natural birth in the hospital. I ended up being induced at 42 weeks and needing a csection after 33 hrs of labor. What drove me crazy was he kept asking if I wanted an epidural and also, since things weren’t progressing, when the doctors would get involved. Thankfully I had an RN friend as my labor partner, but to this day, it makes me angry that he was so disdainful and judgmental of the choices I made regarding the birth experience. He’s a great dad now, and very involved, but he was MIA for 8.5 months of pregnancy. He didn’t deserve a say in how things played out.
Jordan, I’m sorry you had that experience! The good thing is that now he’s around. That’s so important. I just wish first time dads were a little more informed about what to expect when their partners are in labor!
My husband told me when I got pregnant that it was not cultural acceptable to be in the delivery room with me. I laughed so hard. He brought it up a few times but when I got to labor he showed up and manned up. He even told the doctor to shut up when he came in the third time asking if I wanted the epidural because I “was screaming still”. I was so grateful.
Oh my! What a story! I’m so glad your husband came around and was there for you!
Great tips but I would also recommend just your husband be in the room for labor. My husband was pretty good but I wished he was by my side more but because his family was in the room he talked with them quite a bit. Also some of the positions they have you in with that many people in the room can make you feel like an exotic zoo animal so my next labor it will be just him in the room.
I totally agree with you! Sometimes it’s nice for it to just be you and him. It gives him more of an opportunity to show you support.
Fun fact: my husband comes from a country where men used to be pacing outside the delivery room, not inside. This has changed among the younger generation, but he still totally surprised his mother when she asked “have you seen the baby yet?”, when he called announced our daughter was born… by replying “Of course I have, I was here!”.
Could I have pushed this baby out without him? Yes, probably. It would have been feasible.
But especially being in another country, hours from closest family and friends, knowing he was here was really comforting.
And he found ways to make himself useful – such as cleaning up swiftly when I threw up, so I wouldn’t have to smell or see it. Or bringing me water whenever asked.
Most of all, he behaved like the president of my personal fan club, cheering me on like a supporter at a soccer play. And that was help in itself!
I love this!! It’s amazing how much has changed and how far we have come. Thanks for your story, Audrey!
Some of these are really great, but I definitely think to each his own. I guarantee I’ll be exhausted after labor, getting up all the time to breastfeed or pump, etc. so if my husband wants to try to get a nap in, I say go ahead honey! I’ll need him to watch the baby while I rest! Also, no reason for us both to suffer. I’m due in June so I’ll gladly send him off to watch the College World Series instead of sitting there watching me in agony and unable to do anything. HOWEVER, I will for sure flip my lid if I hear complaints, “are you done?”, “stop crying”, etc. 🙂
I totally agree to each their own! If you feel like you husband won’t be able to help you in any way and “unable to do anything” for you, then I completely agree that there is no reason for him to be there! I actually talk about that in another post too. If you visitors (any visitor) is not contributing to you labor or helping you in some way, then why are they there? To watch the show? So, I get it. If he can’t help and you are ok with him not being in the room (and he’s ok with not being in the room), then sending him to watch the game is probably appropriate! Let me know how everything goes with your labor in June! Good luck, mama!
Wow I’m in tears, this article made me feel so lucky that my husband was such a champ in the delivery room but also makes me feel for the women who’ve had to put up with this kind of behavior! Makes me wonder now after their babies are born if they’re raising their kids and their husbands!
I was surprised by the things my husband did, I don’t think you know how you or your partner will handle the labor until you’re in it. He was definitely the guy who couldn’t stand to see anyone throw up under other circumstances, but was the one next to me holding the bag and wiping my chin during delivery. I later found that I broke skin (!) on his hand squeezing it during pushing but he didn’t pull away he just keep rooting me on. Thank the Lord for real men!!
Yes girl ??. When you have a real man by your side it makes all the difference. I love to see the dads in the delivery room holding the barf bag and wiping the vomit off their wive’s face. I’m seriously impressed every time. The crazy thing is that the things I’ve listed in this post are not rare!! Men forget sometimes that they have purpose in the delivery room. I’m so glad that your husband was such a champ for you! Go Daddy!
My husband was very supportive with my first child ,my daughter , i was surprised kind of that he was helping me get whatever i needed , whenever the nurse would come he made sure he listened to everything! He helped me bring our daughter out by holding my hand and legs! With my second child my boy we were moving so he said he had to be at work , and my sister in law came to help , she was really helping me (she even said it was like she gave birth too) which I thought was funny , but it was good !! Now im pregnant with my 3 rd baby boy and i hope everything will go good as well! 😀
That’s awesome! A good support system is so important. I’m hoping your third experience is just as wonderful!
This reminds me of my first L&D. My husband went out and picked up McDonald’s twice and processed to eat it in front of me while I laid in the bed contracting. Then cracked jokes about the positions (bent over a therapy ball) they had me in to encourage the baby to drop down, he actually said “I’m pretty sure that’s how I got you pregnant”. Afterall was said and done my MIL came to visit and asked how I was doing and my husband started complaining about how tired he was and that his back was starting to hurt. So these are real things that happen and yes you need to write a book about it.
Oh my goodness! I’m sorry that he wasn’t as supportive as he could have been for you. Hopefully the two of you can laugh about it now. I bet I could write a book about it! I’m so passionate about this topic!
My ex husband cheated on me with his ex wife while I was in labor in the st! And the fire department had to deliver her!
I found this pretty negative. Your partner is just trying to do their best.
That’s what matters! If your partner is trying their best and thinking of the pregnant woman in the room first, then I’m sure they will do a great job. I just hate seeing the dads in the delivery room who completely disregard the fact that their partner is going through something harder than they can ever imagine.
After three babies and getting ready for the fourth any day now, I can say this is an excellent list. I had to tell my hubby to come hold my hand while laboring with my second. He was busy talking to his parents, whom I didn’t even want in the room. All three of them got upset with me! I was so glad when the nurse told them it was time for them to leave the room.
I loved this and the dads guide article! Honestly I love them all! Your dads guide article got me slightly emotional, it was very moving for a dad guide. You have such a way with words! I love reading your articles 💗🙌🏼
That is so sweet. Thank you, Shae! I am glad you love them.
Oh my gosh, I have to go home and tell my husband how amazing he was with our first. We’re pregnant again so I’m just catching up on what I’ve forgotten since 4 years ago lol. He made a few off color jokes during my labor, but was right there, being supportive, hold the bucket for me to puke during each contraction, being amazed at how strong my grip was (I did natural and came close to breaking his fingers a few times, and he never once complained about his pain.) He got right up in the business end of everything when our Midwife gave him instructions. He only slept after I’d fall asleep, he was there with cool compresses, rubbing my kankles, and making sure I was as comfortable as possible.
YES! He needs a little pat on the back! A great support person is soooo essential!